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What is KFAD?*The scene is the Gaylord Hotel’s night bar. Adam Levine is sitting in a comfortable chair. He’s on the phone.*
…Yeah, Mickey, can’t believe I accepted their gig as contestant. Seriously, pitting me in front of literal cats and having them win is pretty humiliating.
…Nah, they said they already had judges. I really wonder what kind of judges they were, I mean I have experience.
…Yeah, thank God this tournament isn’t seen by millions. Just some nerds who were hating on me to begin with.
…I mean, apparently it was the head honcho who wanted me in. But who cares about him? I lost immediately anyway.
…Don’t worry, Mickey, I’ll be back soon. Nice. Thanks. See ya.
YEEEEEEEEOOOOOO!!! Look who it is!
…seriously, Pitbull? Get the fuck out. Can’t you see I’m busy?
Dude, yeah, you were busy, so that’s why I waited a bit. Soy un caballero, after all! Who were you callin’? One of your fancy lovers?
That’s none of your business.
Can’t say you’re wrong. Lo siento, amigo. Sometimes, I just get carried away, y’know?
“Sometimes”? I didn’t know Pitbull was able to fucking control himself.
Ayyyy, no need to be all passive aggressive, my friend. I just wanted to have a little chat.
What would a guy way past his prime have to discuss with someone who’s still getting hits to this very day?
Hey, Adam, if I really was past my prime, “Give Me Everything” wouldn’t have been Number 1, hahaha, even if you replaced me not long after! But whaddaya know, “Moves Like Jagger” is still an amazing track after all these years!
Hey, let’s get a shot of something for the gentleman. What are you drinking?
Fuck you, I don’t want your charity.
Nevermind, we’re good over here.
So, how’s the tourney going for ya? “Levine” the dream?
Your jokes are as awful as your performances.
Jokes? Oh yeah, that’s right. We both got kicked out without a win. I mean, I don’t care much about it, I’m just busy having fun all around!
I don’t care either. This whole tournament is a joke anyway. Kicking me, you, Will Smith, Eminem all in the first round? We’re all huge, and yet here we get upped by monkeys, puppets, penguins. How the fuck do you take this seriously?
How? I’ll let you in on a lil’ secret, Mr. Levine. Do you even know where you are?
Yeah, some B-series tourney contest called the King Tournament or something. I’m still having trouble figuring it out.
Well, I was askin’ the question because I saw you were completely lost when Meowth interviewed you. Tell ya what, it was funny seein’ you losing your mind, ahahaha!
Yeah, never spoke to anything weirder than that interviewer cat. Well, except the other cats and the freakin’ politician, but that was just because I had to. What’s your point?
My point is, it’s the second edition of the tourney right now, and your boy here was in the first one as well!
What the- there was a first one?
That’s right! And Will Smith was here too! But we were lonely, didn’t have aliens at our side. They were their own team at the time.
What the fuck does this have to do with me?
I’m bringing this up because when I first arrived at the King for a Day Tournament I was just as lost as you. Sure, everyone knows that I have my own little quirks, but I was shocked to see there were talking squids, aliens and even Thanos. My first opponent was that guy with a trumpet, and, well, I got demolished. I knew deep down it was all in good fun, but being Mr. Worldwide himself I had a bit of an ego so I have to admit that the loss did rustle my feathers a little bit.
I guess you left right after that, huh? I got out too anyway.
I considered that, man. But then, I realised that the organisers had sent invitations for the whole tourney, including the finals, for all contestants, just to be sure the finalists would be covered. Will Smith and I met together and we decided that we could use the time to do nothing and relax a little. So we stuck around and we watched the other matches. We even ended up talking with other contestants, even the weird ones. For the most part, they were all pretty cool! Some were excited to meet celebrities, some didn’t care, but it was a perfectly imperfect cast of characters we could socialise with. It was like heaven!
For a guy who strives to keep his music simple, you sure take a long time to get to the point.
What can I say? Big things come in small packages! As I was saying, as the finals arrived, I realised that this tournament was not as high stakes as some others you and I might be more familiar with. Really, controlling a YouTube channel for one day is not something you have to get stressed about.
Yeah, that’s a pretty lame prize for winning it all. I wonder why you ended up sticking around.
Because this is basically like a tourney without all the stress! There aren’t millions of people cheering for us, just a few thousand! We can have fun with our rivals without any regrets! We can try our best and go in uncharted territories! Adam, this is what the King for a Day Tournament really is. It’s all about having fun! It’s like a gigantic party in Ibiza, but without the sweaty people and bathroom junkies. It’s amazing! I mean, now we have twice as many people, and the stakes are a bit higher. I have seen some people cryin’ all their tears at a loss. I’ve heard all the drama, the weird rumors… It may not be as carefree as it was back then, but for the most part, I’ve seen that the folks around here are still havin’ fun. After all, the prize is the same. There’s even a nice second prize too. And I tell ya what, Adam, the both of us don’t have any reason to worry anymore. You know, we’re both kicked out. There are no stakes for us anymore. We can relax, have fun, and talk with incredible peeps! I know you hate Pharrell, but he was really excited about meeting his childhood hero. Don’t know if there’s anyone in here you like, but maybe you could take a shot at doing the same. It’s a one time opportunity after all! You ain’t got one more night, but a few more. Make ‘em count!
…I can’t believe I let you go on for so long.
…Well, man, you do you! If ya want to stay in your hotel room for the next few days, that’s your choice! In the meantime, I’ll go speak with the bachelor. He might need some advice for hitting on girls! Welp, see ya round! Dale!
…Yeah, Mickey? It’s me. Uh, would you mind if I just chillax in the hotel for a while? After all, it’s paid. Yeah. Maybe you can think of a few good gigs without me around. After all, “Closure” was a fantastic closer.