The Ultimate Interrogation of Ultimate Destiny

Unregistered HyperCam 2

helo u2b 2day im snoopingas usual on john notwoodman bc hes in a secret interrigation,, its some theif dud3 whos ben litterin cards all over da place or smth

*HyperCam shuffles around through the airvent, reaching a point where he’s able to see into the interrogation room.*
Unregistered HyperCam 2

cool, looks lik i dint miss the- WOA iz that neil cicierega???(oops sorrie cant be 2 loud im undrcover))

*John Notwoodman stands over the silent Neil, who is handcuffed to his chair.*
John Notwoodman

Well, it seems to be you have some explaining to do, Mr. Cicierega. One of our contestants have been telling us that you’ve been leaving these so called “Calling Cards” all over the place. Given what I’ve been told, they seem like bad news for the tournament and that’s not nice. >:3[

John Notwoodman

So, do you care to explain?

Allstar

John Notwoodman

Please, make this easy on yourself. Don’t make me pull out the video…

Allstar

Unregistered HyperCam 2

(aw h*ck i can’t see da video,,, i wanna knoe what it iz)

*John takes out his phone and pulls a video up, showing Neil the screen before it starts. HyperCam can only hear the audio*
John Notwoodman

I didn’t want to have to do this.

“Nerf this! ppFPFHHFHFRRIRMMPFFF”
Unregistered HyperCam 2

(omg neil noo not that v1deo :c)

Allstar

NO! NOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! I’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING, JUST DON’T PLAY IT AGAIN!

John Notwoodman

Very nice. >:3]

Allstar

Alright… So, you might know me as Neil Cicierega. I’m somewhat of a prolific internet content creator, and under any other circumstances, that’d probably be that for an explanation. But due to some uh, “strange occurrences”, I’m now known as Allstar – a Phantom Thief of Hearts.

Unregistered HyperCam 2

(also u r teh inv3ntor of mashups)

John Notwoodman

Phantom Thieves? I feel like I’ve heard that before from one of our contestants…

Allstar

You’re probably thinking of those shadows I negotiated with. They agreed to spread the word about me in exchange for “shiny coin on cat head”. Pretty sure that thing doesn’t come off that guy’s head, so I just gave them some cardboard I spray-painted gold and it seemed to satisfy them.

John Notwoodman

Shadows? Shiny coin? What on earth are you talking about??

Unregistered HyperCam 2

(is he talking abt teh incident at teh studio?)

Allstar

I mean, hey, gotta get my name out there somehow! These calling cards won’t work unless they mean something anyways. But I’ll tell you more about that later, back to the point. Using my unique abilities, I’m able to enter the hearts of corrupt individuals and make them confess their crimes with their own mouths…

Unregistered HyperCam 2

(dat b som real mouth moodz)

John Notwoodman

W-what crimes?! I can’t make a lick of sense about anything you’re talking about!

Allstar

You heard me right the first time. Like I said, the only ones I’m after are those who’ve let their distorted desires overtake them. I’m the only one who can take them down a peg! The power I have isn’t without its limitations though. The only way to be sure that I’m even able to change somebody’s heart is, well, to send them a calling card! Due to the nature of my ability, the only option I have is to directly tell someone that their distorted desires are something that can be taken from them. Once they’re aware of that, the treasure is mine for the taking!

Unregistered HyperCam 2

(wht tr3sure is he tak1ng?)

John Notwoodman

Well, that is quite a lot to take in. However, I still fail to understand the point of this. Are you trying to imply that there is a corrupt individual somewhere here?

Allstar

Well, there’s a few in this place, but this one guy in particular is the worst of the worst. I wouldn’t be doing my job if I just let him run free, you know? The contestants up to this point have just been a way to get my name out there anyways, since even just a calling card wasn’t enough to make him see me as a threat. Oh yeah, this guy’s name is SiIvaGunner, by the way.

John Notwoodman

Wait, what?! You can’t be trying to suggest that the one and only SiIvaGunner is corrupt now, are you?

Unregistered HyperCam 2

(wht teh h*ck neil)

Allstar

Well, it doesn’t really matter whether or not you believe me, this whole “interrogation” was more of a publicity stunt anyways. I got places to be and people to impress.

*Neil leans forward in his chair, pushing his head close to the floor- with a burst of energy he flicks his body backwards and his mask flies off his face*
Neil Cicierega

TIME FOR SOME BUSTIN! BUSTIN! BUSTIN!

*As Neil speaks these words, an aura of blue flame surrounds him, eventually completely engulfing him. Once it subsides, a demonic, lemon-headed figure can be seen floating directly behind him*
Lemon Demon

Feel good! Feel good! Feel good!

Lemon Demon

Oh, what’s up nerds.

※ NOTE: <em>Neil is a guest character, and will not receive any music tracks</em>
※ NOTE: Neil is a guest character, and will not receive any music tracks
John Notwoodman

What in the…

*With one downwards kick, Lemon Demon takes off Neil’s handcuffs before his foot strikes the ground with a threatening boom.*
John Notwoodman

Hmph. I can’t let a trouble maker go tormenting any of my contestants. If you think you’re getting out that easy…

*John summons a leaf shield*
John Notwoodman

…You gotta get through me, punk!

Unregistered HyperCam 2

(o no, thos l3afs r rlly sharp,, i gotta halp neil!!1)

**HyperCam turns on his disk, driving it through the vent. Due to HyperCam’s quick thinking, the vent falls off and hits John on the head!*
John Notwoodman

Ow! What was that?!

*Neil seizes the opportunity and shoots at John’s feet. John falls flat on the ground.*
Lemon Demon

LET’S SMASH THEM UP!

*Neil lunges at John and unleashes an all-out attack!*
Unregistered HyperCam 2

woa. gj neil u beet him up!!!!!

Lemon Demon

Aight, this place smells like updog. Can we go and do something not boring now, for at least 10 minutes?

Neil Cicierega

Looks like we’ll be making our escape now. See ya ‘round!

Unregistered HyperCam 2

bai neil,, com back 1 daye i wanne intervuew u

—— *A few minutes later.*
Unregistered HyperCam 2

jon r u ok uve been grapsing ur leg and saying ow for the past 4 minuts

John Notwoodman

I-I think I’ll be fine HyperCam… I just need to– Hold on… HyperCam have you been recording all of this?

*HyperCam cuts the video.*