Welcome to The Interview! – Meowth “Interview”

Unregistered HyperCam 2

ey meoth u alrite. who r we intrteewwing now

Meowth

Hey, HyperCam! Well, to be fair, I don’t remember. Let me go back to the interview room, I think I left my list there.

*Hypercam and Meowth enter the interview room and turn the lights on. Suddenly…*
Will Smith

SURPRISE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PLEASE WELCOME OUR BRAVE NEW CONTESTANT!

Meowth

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Unregistered HyperCam 2

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Will Smith

THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT’S RIGHT! Will Smith here to present to y’all the pilot for a brand new type of talent show:
THE INTERVIEW!

*Loud sounds of applause are heard.*
Meowth

*panicked* Wh-what’s happening? Where is the crowd? Was the studio overrun?

*Wobbuffet stops a radio blaring the crowd noises.*

Wooooooobbuffet!

Meowth

Wobbuffet, what is going on right now? And why is Will Smith sounding like Will Smith and not like a menacing agent?

Unregistered HyperCam 2

iz dis th nterviw?

???

What is this fucker doing right now? Is he high on pellets or sumthin’?

???

I thought we were here to wait for our interview? I don’t want to stay forever in this room full of morons…

???

Still wondering why I’m sittin’ away from my pals over there… well, Will, whatever idea for a ride you have, I wanna see it. Bring it on!

Will Smith

Tell y’all what, to launch such a huge pilot, we needed a competent panel. And it turns out we got quite a panel of talented Voices right there! Please applaud first! The First Judge! PHARREEEEELL WILLIAAAAAMS!

Pharrell Williams

Huh, so that’s what we’re doing in fact? Neat, I get to be a judge again! I can’t wait!

Will Smith

And then! The Second Judge! ADAAAAAM LEVIIIIINE!

Adam Levine

…wait, what the hell is going on right now? Why are we on a panel? Not that it bothers me though: since I arrived here, I always wanted to be a judge.

Will Smith

And finally! The Third Judge! EMINEEEEEM!

Eminem

What the fuck is this? I came here to do an interview, not to be a judge! I hate judges! And The Voice is fucking lame.

Pharrell Williams

Hey, this isn’t The Voice, it’s The Interview!

Eminem

Do I care? Here’s a hint: I fucking don’t. I’m outta he-

Adam Levine

Wow, turns out the “great” Eminem is a “great” fraud since he can’t get picked in a fuckin’ jury.

Eminem

Did I ask you sumthin’? Dude, I’ll prove to you I’m a tough one. Wanna see my judgin’ skills? You’re lucky you’re not the one being judged, pussy.

Meowth

Hold on, hold on, HOLD ON A SECOND! What’s going on here? What is this whole business with this interview show? You got a contract from John?

Will Smith

Ohhhh, you weren’t expecting this, were ya, cat? But even if I got my fresh new persona for your new tournament, behind it, I’m still the same Will from the first one. I know what the people out there are thinkin’. “Yeaaah, interviews are cool, but they’re boring after a while.” So I’m breakin’ the mold in interviewing and offerin’ you and ‘em an experience y’all will never forget: a talent show for aspiring interviewers!

Meowth

Aspiring… what? But I’m already an accredited interviewer! And there’s not even a test audience!

Will Smith

Did ya look to your right? After all, everyone was invited to The Interview!

Thomas Bangalter

Hey there, Meowth! I hope you’ll show us a stunning and alive performance!

Howard

[GREETINGS, FELINE. LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH QUICKLY.]

Unregistered HyperCam 2

henlo meow, gud luc!

Meowth

HyperCam, what the- you’re in on it with them too?

Unregistered HyperCam 2

noo, i just wana strem. il get lots o veiwss wit dis xclusiv conteent!!1

Will Smith

Let’s not waste any more time with these damn stupid formalities. I, your host Will Smith, am giving the floor to the First Voi- er, Judge!

Pharrell Williams

Thank you Will! I can’t believe I get to interview the rarest kind of Pokémon; the talkin’ kind, just like Mewtwo!

Meowth

I still don’t get- wait a second, what did you say? “The rarest kind, just like Mewtwo”?

Pharrell Williams

Yeah! So show me your soul with our first question. How did you become the official interviewer of the King for Another Day Tournament? Aren’t you supposed to be with that awful Team Rocket?

Meowth

What? No! Those nincompoops were never invited! Okay, so it all started when those two heard a rumour that a Pokémon character was supposed to compete in the tournament.

Pharrell Williams

But there is no Pokémon competing, is there?

Meowth

Well, there is one… *shudders*

Pharrell Williams

Oh… *shudders*

Will Smith

Well… *shudders*

Adam Levine

Why are you cowering in fear? He’s just a contestant like any other.

Eminem

And a total loser too, y’know what I’m sayin’?

Howard

[YOU LOST TOO.]

Eminem

Shut the fuck up, Ripley.

Will Smith

Did ya just say Ridley? This is a black thing, isn’t it?

Meowth

Aaaaanyway… Team Rocket wanted to compete in the tournament, so they wrote to our former host John Notwoodman to ask him about it. I don’t think their performance was very convincing, because they got ditched during the recruiting phase. However, the recruiting panel also saw me and they were blown away by the fact I was a Pokémon who talked.

Guy‑Manuel de Homem‑Christo

Tiens, tu sais pourquoi il peut parler, au juste ?

Thomas Bangalter

Non. Mais mon hypothèse, c’est la suspension consentie de l’incrédulité…

Meowth

John asked me if I could become a contestant, and of course, I accepted! But unfortunately, since I was Team Rocket’s Pokémon, I needed their agreement to compete. I think they got a little jealous, because they refused.

Unregistered HyperCam 2

tem roket blastign of agannnn

Meowth

John ended up making a compromise: I wouldn’t be a contestant, but I would become the tournament’s official interviewer. At first I was upset, but I realized it’d be a great platform for me! I asked for something to make up for me not being a contestant, and John told me I could bring one other person to help the team. Jessie and James scrambled to get my affection! They never were this kind to me normally…

Pharrell Williams

And who did you choose in the end?

Wobbuffet!

Meowth

Choosing one of these losers after they betrayed me so quickly? No way! Wobbuffet always supported me. That’s why he’s here!

Pharrell Williams

If you ask me, that was a dope answer! But you need to convince two other judges to gain your clout as deserving interviewer!

Howard

[LOW STANDARDS.]

Thomas Bangalter

Aw, come on, admit he’s doin’ it right.

Will Smith

Well well well! What a pumping start! Time to give the floor to the Second Judge!

Adam Levine

Hey wait, by the way, why am I the Second Judge? I’m Adam Levine from Maroon 5, why am I “second”?

Eminem

Jeez, you sound like a fuckin’ toddler. “Oh, I got picked in a jury”. Kiss my ass and get the fuck out of here.

Adam Levine

Oh, the judge wannabe is miffed, it seems. Watch me and take notes, dickhead. So, cat, here’s my question. Why isn’t Jack here?

Meowth

Huh?

Adam Levine

Why isn’t Jack here?

Meowth

B-but which Jack? There are at least two Jacks in this tournament!

Adam Levine

I’m talking about Jack Black, you idiot! If you want to make a professional panel, like the ones on The Voice, you gotta invite experienced people. And Jack, this dick, was on a panel just like the clout chaser on my right! But you had to invite this fuckin’ idiot, Eminem, to fill the Round 2 interview blanks and get a good laugh off the audience? Do you know how humiliating it is-

Will Smith

-to have a son?

Adam Levine

SHUT UP, WILL.

Eminem

Wait, ‘scuse me, smartass? Didn’t quite heard who the “fuckin’ idiot” in the room was.

Meowth

But why are you asking me this question, Mr. Levine? I’m not even the one who put up this whole contest thing!

Will Smith

Well, first off, Adam, Jack was not even invited for an interview, he already got one. And even if he was invited and if I made him a judge, Elmo would steal the spotlight. He’s so adorable, and we’re here to make the audience stoked, not melt…

Pharrell Williams

That would have been a good reason for fans to watch though. Audiences love cute things. Just look at my “It Girl” music video!

Guy‑Manuel de Homem‑Christo

C’est celle avec les filles en style animé japonais ?

Thomas Bangalter

Ouais. Perso, j’aurais pas appelé ce clip “mignon”… Mais bon, Pharrell fait ce qu’il veut !

Adam Levine

Damn, nothing is professional in this freaky studio. I can’t wait to get out of this whole madhouse once I win this tournament.

Howard

[YOU LOST TO RANDOM SENTIENT FELINES. DON’T BOAST OR ELSE.]

Adam Levine

Shut up! I’m still in the game, you know?

Meowth

What?! Nothing is professional?! It wasn’t me who got the idea of this panel thing!

Will Smith

Adam, could ya come up with a better question for our contestant? The one ya asked was more for me…

Adam Levine

*sigh* You know what. I give my check to the cat. Let’s get this joke of a talent show over with, I have songs to rehearse. They might be about Jane, if that’s your kick.

Will Smith

Well then, dear contestant, you’re on a good track! Two judges down! But now comes the fierce and menacing Third Judge. The floor is his!

Howard

[MENACING. YOU’RE FUNNY.]

Eminem

What the FUCK? Why does everyone in that room think I’m a fucking joke?

Pharrell Williams

Shittalking yourself in your songs doesn’t help much, Em’! Just lose yourself to the music, the moment, the dance!

Meowth

(Oh no… Why is everyone pushing HIS sensible button, of all people?)

Eminem

FUCKING HELL, I’M SNAPPING NOW. *jumps out of his “panel” seat* YO, YOU FUCKING PUSSY, DO YOU THINK I’M A JOKE?

Will Smith

Yo, Marshall, you need to sit down!

Eminem

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKIN- oh, whatever. YO, BLUE FREAK, CRANK IT UP! AND YOU CAT ASSHOLE, ANSWER ME!

Meowth

M-Mr. Slim, calm down, I beg of y-

*Wobbuffet turns on the radio to a backing track.*
Eminem

I GOT THE SALSA AND THE MOVES
I GOT THE FUCKIN’ REP
THE PEP THE FORCEP MY WHOLE BARS HAVE SO MUCH DEPTH
SO MUCH GROOVE MAKIN’ ‘EM MOVE AND EM’ CRUSH ‘EM UNDER MY FEET
SKEET YEET YOU LITTLE SHIT YOU BETTER NOT FUCK WITH MY TEETH
MY MOUTH IS FULL OF SALSA SAUCE BECAUSE I’M THE BOSS
GOT THE FLOSS GOT NO GLOSS DID I GET MY POINT ACROSS?
I’M SHADY NO REALLY I’M THE KING OF THIS TOURNEY
ANSWER ME YOU PUSSY AM I A FUCKIN’ JOKE TO YEE?

Wobwobwobwobwob! *stops the backing track*

Meowth

Adam Levine

*sigh*

Unregistered HyperCam 2

liek my mixxtap now babby im da intrior crccodil aligator

Meowth

…well, if you absolutely want an answer… I guess you’re not a pussy?

Eminem

K. I’ll take it.

Will Smith

DINGDINGDINGDINGDING WE HAVE A WINNER LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PLEASE GIVE A ROWDY ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO OUR BRAVE ICE-T BREAKER, MEOWTH THE TALKING POTEMKIN!

*Wobbuffet turns on the radio once more. Loud cheering and applause is heard again.*
Pharrell Williams

Congratulations!

Thomas Bangalter

Congratulations!

Adam Levine

Congratulations, I guess.

Eminem

Yeah, check out this freestyle you bitches! I still got it, got it?

Unregistered HyperCam 2

conglatulation

Howard

[NO.]

Will Smith

Huh? C’mon Howard, what if it’s your good friend Agent J asking for it?

Howard

[MY GOOD FRIEND. HUH. FORCING ME TO PLAY ALONG HIS HORRIBLE PRANK. KNOWING MY LACK OF PATIENCE.]

*Howard starts dancing. Menacingly. The room gets filled by an unnatural light. The doors disappear.*
Pharrell Williams

What the heck is going on? Where are those yellow lights from?

Adam Levine

Great. We’re getting obliterated now, aren’t we? In the crazy little situation we’re in, I’m expecting anything.

Will Smith

Now, now, Howard, calm down, we all like a little fun once in a while, especially in such a high-stakes tournament, right?

Howard

[RIGHT. “A LITTLE FUN”. YOU MADE ME SIT RIGHT NEXT TO THE MACHINES WHO SENT US TO LOSERS.]

Thomas Bangalter

Le contact n’est pas passé, on dirait !

Guy‑Manuel de Homem‑Christo

J’le sens pas, j’le sens pas, j’le sens pas…

Meowth

What is… happening… this dance… is making me feel… weird…

Will Smith

Howard, I beg of you, don’t hurt any-

Eminem

Yo, nice dance moves you fuckin’ alien freak! Lookin’ for a fight? C’mon, challenge the bars I just styled on this idiot. I took down the best ones in Detroit that way!

Howard

[SO. LITTLE GUY WANTS A FIGHT.]

Will Smith

HOWARD, STOP! I’ll do anything for you, don’t slindle us right on the spot! What do you want?

Howard

[ACTIVATE THE NEURALYZER.]

Will Smith

What? Aw, come on, that’s not fair, bro! We had such a good time, don’t y’all want to remember i-

Howard

[ACTIVATE THE NEURALYZER. LAST WARNING.]

Adam Levine

Oh yeah, fuckin’ activate it. Get that mental mind fuck out of my skull.

Unregistered HyperCam 2

ajskdflasjdg;klasdhjl;ga nnooooooooo dontt shut me dwwn im stil savvin myhy streeaeemfgfhgfds;:,h

Will Smith

*sigh* Well then, I don’t have much of a choice, do I. Ladies and gentlemen, please take a good look at your host, the one and only Will Smith! Thank you for coming to the grand derniere of The Interview! Have a good evening y’all!

*The neuralyzer flashes. A white light fills the room. Everyone is back in the studio.*
Meowth

Whoa, I feel dizzy all of a sudden… Oh hey, what is everyone doing there?

Adam Levine

Good question. Makes me wonder why I’m in this room in the first place.

Eminem

Argh… Is this a fuckin’ hangover? I don’t remember partying yesterday… Fuck…

Pharrell Williams

Uhhh… are you guys here for the Mr. Krabs birthday party?

Thomas Bangalter

Birthday party? I thought we were supposed to fight this guy. C’mon, we gotta leave and prepare for that.

Meowth

…it seems everyone is leaving. Hypercam, are you okay?

Meowth

Huh? What are you talking about? Why don’t you go and tell me about it in the cafe?

Wobbuffet.

*Meowth, Hypercam, Wobbuffet, Eminem, Pharrell and Daft Punk all leave the interview room. The Men in Black stay behind briefly.*
Howard

[AGENT J. YOU PROBABLY HAVE NO MEMORY OF THE EVENT YOU JUST NEURALYZED. BUT IT SEEMS YOU PUT TOO MUCH POWER IN YOUR NEURALYZER. THEY ALL FORGOT WE WERE ALSO SUPPOSED TO HAVE INTERVIEWS.]

Agent J

Howard

[BUT TRUST ME. IT IS BEST FOR US TO POSTPONE OURS. SOME EVENTS HAPPENED IN THIS PLACE. I HAVE TO MAKE SURE ALL TRACES OF THIS EVENT ARE PURGED.]

Agent J

Howard

[WAIT. AGENT J. YOU HAVE YOUR GLASSES ON. I AM CONFUSED. HOW DID Y-]

*Agent J lowers his sunglasses and winks.*
Howard

[CONFIRMED. I’LL LET THIS ONE SLIDE. ONLY BECAUSE IT’S YOU. AGENT J.]

Agent J

…thanks, H. I knew you’d be a great partner. Now let’s go get some damn McDonald’s.