ey meoth u alrite. who r we intrteewwing now
Hey, HyperCam! Well, to be fair, I don’t remember. Let me go back to the interview room, I think I left my list there.
SURPRISE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PLEASE WELCOME OUR BRAVE NEW CONTESTANT!
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! WHAT IS HAPPENING?
THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT’S RIGHT! Will Smith here to present to y’all the pilot for a brand new type of talent show:
*panicked* Wh-what’s happening? Where is the crowd? Was the studio overrun?
Wobbuffet, what is going on right now? And why is Will Smith sounding like Will Smith and not like a menacing agent?
iz dis th nterviw?
What is this fucker doing right now? Is he high on pellets or sumthin’?
I thought we were here to wait for our interview? I don’t want to stay forever in this room full of morons…
Still wondering why I’m sittin’ away from my pals over there… well, Will, whatever idea for a ride you have, I wanna see it. Bring it on!
Tell y’all what, to launch such a huge pilot, we needed a competent panel. And it turns out we got quite a panel of talented Voices right there! Please applaud first! The First Judge! PHARREEEEELL WILLIAAAAAMS!
Huh, so that’s what we’re doing in fact? Neat, I get to be a judge again! I can’t wait!
And then! The Second Judge! ADAAAAAM LEVIIIIINE!
…wait, what the hell is going on right now? Why are we on a panel? Not that it bothers me though: since I arrived here, I always wanted to be a judge.
And finally! The Third Judge! EMINEEEEEM!
What the fuck is this? I came here to do an interview, not to be a judge! I hate judges! And The Voice is fucking lame.
Hey, this isn’t The Voice, it’s The Interview!
Do I care? Here’s a hint: I fucking don’t. I’m outta he-
Wow, turns out the “great” Eminem is a “great” fraud since he can’t get picked in a fuckin’ jury.
Did I ask you sumthin’? Dude, I’ll prove to you I’m a tough one. Wanna see my judgin’ skills? You’re lucky you’re not the one being judged, pussy.
Hold on, hold on, HOLD ON A SECOND! What’s going on here? What is this whole business with this interview show? You got a contract from John?
Ohhhh, you weren’t expecting this, were ya, cat? But even if I got my fresh new persona for your new tournament, behind it, I’m still the same Will from the first one. I know what the people out there are thinkin’. “Yeaaah, interviews are cool, but they’re boring after a while.” So I’m breakin’ the mold in interviewing and offerin’ you and ‘em an experience y’all will never forget: a talent show for aspiring interviewers!
Aspiring… what? But I’m already an accredited interviewer! And there’s not even a test audience!
Did ya look to your right? After all, everyone was invited to The Interview!
Hey there, Meowth! I hope you’ll show us a stunning and alive performance!
[GREETINGS, FELINE. LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH QUICKLY.]
henlo meow, gud luc!
HyperCam, what the- you’re in on it with them too?
noo, i just wana strem. il get lots o veiwss wit dis xclusiv conteent!!1
Let’s not waste any more time with these damn stupid formalities. I, your host Will Smith, am giving the floor to the First Voi- er, Judge!
Thank you Will! I can’t believe I get to interview the rarest kind of Pokémon; the talkin’ kind, just like Mewtwo!
I still don’t get- wait a second, what did you say? “The rarest kind, just like Mewtwo”?
Yeah! So show me your soul with our first question. How did you become the official interviewer of the King for Another Day Tournament? Aren’t you supposed to be with that awful Team Rocket?
What? No! Those nincompoops were never invited! Okay, so it all started when those two heard a rumour that a Pokémon character was supposed to compete in the tournament.
But there is no Pokémon competing, is there?
Well, there is one… *shudders*
Why are you cowering in fear? He’s just a contestant like any other.
And a total loser too, y’know what I’m sayin’?
[YOU LOST TOO.]
Shut the fuck up, Ripley.
Did ya just say Ridley? This is a black thing, isn’t it?
Aaaaanyway… Team Rocket wanted to compete in the tournament, so they wrote to our former host John Notwoodman to ask him about it. I don’t think their performance was very convincing, because they got ditched during the recruiting phase. However, the recruiting panel also saw me and they were blown away by the fact I was a Pokémon who talked.
Tiens, tu sais pourquoi il peut parler, au juste ?
Non. Mais mon hypothèse, c’est la suspension consentie de l’incrédulité…
John asked me if I could become a contestant, and of course, I accepted! But unfortunately, since I was Team Rocket’s Pokémon, I needed their agreement to compete. I think they got a little jealous, because they refused.
tem roket blastign of agannnn
John ended up making a compromise: I wouldn’t be a contestant, but I would become the tournament’s official interviewer. At first I was upset, but I realized it’d be a great platform for me! I asked for something to make up for me not being a contestant, and John told me I could bring one other person to help the team. Jessie and James scrambled to get my affection! They never were this kind to me normally…
And who did you choose in the end?
Choosing one of these losers after they betrayed me so quickly? No way! Wobbuffet always supported me. That’s why he’s here!
If you ask me, that was a dope answer! But you need to convince two other judges to gain your clout as deserving interviewer!
Aw, come on, admit he’s doin’ it right.
Well well well! What a pumping start! Time to give the floor to the Second Judge!
Hey wait, by the way, why am I the Second Judge? I’m Adam Levine from Maroon 5, why am I “second”?
Jeez, you sound like a fuckin’ toddler. “Oh, I got picked in a jury”. Kiss my ass and get the fuck out of here.
Oh, the judge wannabe is miffed, it seems. Watch me and take notes, dickhead. So, cat, here’s my question. Why isn’t Jack here?
Why isn’t Jack here?
B-but which Jack? There are at least two Jacks in this tournament!
I’m talking about Jack Black, you idiot! If you want to make a professional panel, like the ones on The Voice, you gotta invite experienced people. And Jack, this dick, was on a panel just like the clout chaser on my right! But you had to invite this fuckin’ idiot, Eminem, to fill the Round 2 interview blanks and get a good laugh off the audience? Do you know how humiliating it is-
-to have a son?
SHUT UP, WILL.
Wait, ‘scuse me, smartass? Didn’t quite heard who the “fuckin’ idiot” in the room was.
But why are you asking me this question, Mr. Levine? I’m not even the one who put up this whole contest thing!
Well, first off, Adam, Jack was not even invited for an interview, he already got one. And even if he was invited and if I made him a judge, Elmo would steal the spotlight. He’s so adorable, and we’re here to make the audience stoked, not melt…
That would have been a good reason for fans to watch though. Audiences love cute things. Just look at my “It Girl” music video!
C’est celle avec les filles en style animé japonais ?
Ouais. Perso, j’aurais pas appelé ce clip “mignon”… Mais bon, Pharrell fait ce qu’il veut !
Damn, nothing is professional in this freaky studio. I can’t wait to get out of this whole madhouse once I win this tournament.
[YOU LOST TO RANDOM SENTIENT FELINES. DON’T BOAST OR ELSE.]
Shut up! I’m still in the game, you know?
What?! Nothing is professional?! It wasn’t me who got the idea of this panel thing!
Adam, could ya come up with a better question for our contestant? The one ya asked was more for me…
*sigh* You know what. I give my check to the cat. Let’s get this joke of a talent show over with, I have songs to rehearse. They might be about Jane, if that’s your kick.
Well then, dear contestant, you’re on a good track! Two judges down! But now comes the fierce and menacing Third Judge. The floor is his!
[MENACING. YOU’RE FUNNY.]
What the FUCK? Why does everyone in that room think I’m a fucking joke?
Shittalking yourself in your songs doesn’t help much, Em’! Just lose yourself to the music, the moment, the dance!
(Oh no… Why is everyone pushing HIS sensible button, of all people?)
FUCKING HELL, I’M SNAPPING NOW. *jumps out of his “panel” seat* YO, YOU FUCKING PUSSY, DO YOU THINK I’M A JOKE?
Yo, Marshall, you need to sit down!
WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKIN- oh, whatever. YO, BLUE FREAK, CRANK IT UP! AND YOU CAT ASSHOLE, ANSWER ME!
M-Mr. Slim, calm down, I beg of y-
I GOT THE SALSA AND THE MOVES
I GOT THE FUCKIN’ REP
THE PEP THE FORCEP MY WHOLE BARS HAVE SO MUCH DEPTH
SO MUCH GROOVE MAKIN’ ‘EM MOVE AND EM’ CRUSH ‘EM UNDER MY FEET
SKEET YEET YOU LITTLE SHIT YOU BETTER NOT FUCK WITH MY TEETH
MY MOUTH IS FULL OF SALSA SAUCE BECAUSE I’M THE BOSS
GOT THE FLOSS GOT NO GLOSS DID I GET MY POINT ACROSS?
I’M SHADY NO REALLY I’M THE KING OF THIS TOURNEY
ANSWER ME YOU PUSSY AM I A FUCKIN’ JOKE TO YEE?
liek my mixxtap now babby im da intrior crccodil aligator
…well, if you absolutely want an answer… I guess you’re not a pussy?
K. I’ll take it.
DINGDINGDINGDINGDING WE HAVE A WINNER LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PLEASE GIVE A ROWDY ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO OUR BRAVE ICE-T BREAKER, MEOWTH THE TALKING POTEMKIN!
Congratulations, I guess.
Yeah, check out this freestyle you bitches! I still got it, got it?
Huh? C’mon Howard, what if it’s your good friend Agent J asking for it?
[MY GOOD FRIEND. HUH. FORCING ME TO PLAY ALONG HIS HORRIBLE PRANK. KNOWING MY LACK OF PATIENCE.]
What the heck is going on? Where are those yellow lights from?
Great. We’re getting obliterated now, aren’t we? In the crazy little situation we’re in, I’m expecting anything.
Now, now, Howard, calm down, we all like a little fun once in a while, especially in such a high-stakes tournament, right?
[RIGHT. “A LITTLE FUN”. YOU MADE ME SIT RIGHT NEXT TO THE MACHINES WHO SENT US TO LOSERS.]
Le contact n’est pas passé, on dirait !
J’le sens pas, j’le sens pas, j’le sens pas…
What is… happening… this dance… is making me feel… weird…
Howard, I beg of you, don’t hurt any-
Yo, nice dance moves you fuckin’ alien freak! Lookin’ for a fight? C’mon, challenge the bars I just styled on this idiot. I took down the best ones in Detroit that way!
[SO. LITTLE GUY WANTS A FIGHT.]
HOWARD, STOP! I’ll do anything for you, don’t slindle us right on the spot! What do you want?
[ACTIVATE THE NEURALYZER.]
What? Aw, come on, that’s not fair, bro! We had such a good time, don’t y’all want to remember i-
[ACTIVATE THE NEURALYZER. LAST WARNING.]
Oh yeah, fuckin’ activate it. Get that mental mind fuck out of my skull.
ajskdflasjdg;klasdhjl;ga nnooooooooo dontt shut me dwwn im stil savvin myhy streeaeemfgfhgfds;:,h
*sigh* Well then, I don’t have much of a choice, do I. Ladies and gentlemen, please take a good look at your host, the one and only Will Smith! Thank you for coming to the grand derniere of The Interview! Have a good evening y’all!
Whoa, I feel dizzy all of a sudden… Oh hey, what is everyone doing there?
Good question. Makes me wonder why I’m in this room in the first place.
Argh… Is this a fuckin’ hangover? I don’t remember partying yesterday… Fuck…
Uhhh… are you guys here for the Mr. Krabs birthday party?
Birthday party? I thought we were supposed to fight this guy. C’mon, we gotta leave and prepare for that.
…it seems everyone is leaving. Hypercam, are you okay?
Huh? What are you talking about? Why don’t you go and tell me about it in the cafe?
[AGENT J. YOU PROBABLY HAVE NO MEMORY OF THE EVENT YOU JUST NEURALYZED. BUT IT SEEMS YOU PUT TOO MUCH POWER IN YOUR NEURALYZER. THEY ALL FORGOT WE WERE ALSO SUPPOSED TO HAVE INTERVIEWS.]
[BUT TRUST ME. IT IS BEST FOR US TO POSTPONE OURS. SOME EVENTS HAPPENED IN THIS PLACE. I HAVE TO MAKE SURE ALL TRACES OF THIS EVENT ARE PURGED.]
[WAIT. AGENT J. YOU HAVE YOUR GLASSES ON. I AM CONFUSED. HOW DID Y-]
[CONFIRMED. I’LL LET THIS ONE SLIDE. ONLY BECAUSE IT’S YOU. AGENT J.]
…thanks, H. I knew you’d be a great partner. Now let’s go get some damn McDonald’s.