Dinner Under Pressure


*The dining hall.*
Solid Snake

…what is this?

Pitbull

Creepy pasta!

Eminem

What’s with the spooky theme? Is it fuckin’ Halloween now or somethin’?

Elmo

No, silly! It’s pasta day!

Jack Black

Hey, watch your language…

Elmo

Huh? Silly isn’t a bad word, Mr. Black!

Jack Black

…You’re right Elmo, my bad! Silly is an okay word to use… unlike some other words…

Eminem

Solid Snake

… Why does it have eyes?

Pitbull

No idea, but whatever it is, it’s delicious!

Quote

… [You nod your head in agreement.]

Solid Snake

This looks… too real. What’s in this?

Jack Black

I heard they got a new chef to help with the food recently. Maybe ask them!

Elmo

Elmo wants seconds! So yummy!

Jack Black

If you want more, you know what to do, buddy. Just go up and ask HOBaRT to mix you another plate.

Pitbull

I might be getting more myself. I’ve never had anything like this…

Eminem

Psh. Mom can make WAY better spaghetti than this.

Pearl

Hey, there he is. Yo, Jack! Elmo! I got someone you gotta meet!

*Peal walks up to the table with Hakuko and Don-chan, each with a plate of spaghetti.*
Hakuko

Oh come now, Pearl, Jack and I know each other!

Don-chan

Elmo is one of the coolest people here, da-don!

Pearl

Oh! I should have known!

Elmo

Don-chan! Come sit next to Elmo!

Jack Black

Yeah, join us!

*Pearl, Hakuko, and Don-chan join the table. Snake and Hakuko make eye contact for a brief moment then quickly look away. Quote notices the interaction.*
Hakuko

Quote

… [The situation has become uncomfortable.]

Pearl

I figured you two should meet since you both got the duo partnership with kids going, should’ve known you two have already met!

Jack Black

Elmo and Don-chan have really hit it off. They’re best buds!

Elmo

Don-chan taught Elmo how to play the drums! All you have to do is count to four!

*Don-chan sees that Snake is sitting among them.*
Don-chan

Elmo

Oh no… Is Don-chan feeling okay?

Don-chan

Ehh? I’m great! It’s just this… spaghetti is so… different, don!

Hakuko

Aya… yes, what a unique meal. I think I found a finger in mine?

*Snake pushes away his plate.*
Solid Snake

If anyone wants to finish my plate, help yourself. This meal is no longer appetizing to me.

*Snake gets up to leave.*
Pitbull

Hold on now, where you think you’re goin’?

Solid Snake

I um… I’m finished with my meal, so-

Pitbull

Now wait a minute. Don’t cheat yourself of an opportunity! We’ve only got a few more days left until the tournament is finished, make them count! Sit with us a little longer! Now is the time to spend with friends and to make new ones. Stay with us and let us enjoy your company!

Pearl

Come on, stay!

Eminem

Yeah man, don’t be a pussy and walk out on us like that.

Elmo

Hahahaha! You’re getting your animals confused, Mr. Mathers! Mr. Snake is a man!

*Jack gives Eminem a mean glare. Snake slowly sits back down.*
Solid Snake

…If you insist, I guess I’ll stay a while longer.

Pitbull

That’s the spirit!

Hakuko

Quote

… [The situation has become more uncomfortable.]

Eminem

Yo, Pit. Where are those aliens you supposed to be workin’ with?

Pitbull

Popoy and Marcianito? I let them do as they please, no idea where they are.

Eminem

I think I saw one of them hanging with that big fuck- uh, really big purple dude.

Pitbull

Thanos? Nooooooo…

Jack Black

I haven’t seen much of that guy around, come to think of it. Not since he lost to Donkey Kong.

Elmo

Hehehehe.

Jack Black

What?

Elmo

Nothing!

Jack Black

No really, what is it?

Elmo

…BANANA SLAMMA!!!! Hehehehehe!

Jack Black

Oh, Elmo…

Pearl

Did you see his HUGE pile of banana peels in the lobby?

Pitbull

Banana peels?

Pearl

Yeah, he ate a whole bunch of bananas and just LEFT all the peels in the lobby! It was disgusting!

Hakuko

He really did that?

Pearl

I’m guessing it was him. I mean, he’s the only one here who would eat that many bananas.

Eminem

Yo, speaking of that big monkey dude. Snake, you know that guy from Smash, right?

Solid Snake

Hrrn… Yeah, I think I remember seeing Donkey Kong amongst the array of fighters from Smash Bros.

Eminem

What’s that monkey’s deal? Give us somethin’ juicy.

Pearl

Ooo, gossip! This is gonna be good.

Solid Snake

Just because someone else is part of the Smash Bros. organization doesn’t mean I know them personally. They’ve been inviting tons of people too, especially recently. I couldn’t possibly account for each and every one of them myself.

Eminem

But he’s like, one of the OG twelve! Come on, you gotta know something about him that we don’t.

Solid Snake

I’ve already told you, Shady. It’s not my specialty to know details on other competitors like that. Smash Bros. is more of a profession anyways–

Eminem

Oh, I got a question! What’s it like to be hit with his special? It hurts, right? He can really pack a punch!

*Hakuko spits out her food in surprise without missing a beat, spewing spaghetti all over Eminem.*
Eminem

Yo, what the hell is your problem!? I’m wearing white today!

Hakuko

Kyaaa! I’m so sorry, I’ll get some napkins!

*Hakuko quickly stands up. Snake does as well.*
Solid Snake

No. Allow me.

Hakuko

Wha- No! I made this mess, sit back down!

Solid Snake

I have some unused napkins right here, please take-

Hakuko

I don’t want your stupid napkins, I’ll get my own!

Solid Snake

Don’t be foolish! Here, take this napkin…

Eminem

I’m gonna need more than a few napkins you idiot! This shit is everywhere!

Jack Black

Dude, language!

Pitbull

I also have a napkin.

Elmo

Oh! That makes one… two… three…

Eminem

Okay, fuck this! I’ll just clean this up myself.

*Eminem storms off in the direction of the bathroom. Hakuko and Snake are standing, glaring at each other.*
Jack Black

…You guys okay?

Hakuko

…Yes, sorry, everything is fine.

Solid Snake

Agreed.

*Hakuko and Snake sit back down.*
Quote

…! [You suddenly realize how to solve this uncomfortable situation!]

*Quote runs off.*
Pitbull

Huh? Where’s that kid going?

Don-chan

Maybe he really has to pee, da-don!

Hakuko

But the bathrooms are that way…

Pitbull

Man, that boy is strange… Anyway, Hakuko, is everything alright? You’re acting a little off today. Something on your mind?

Hakuko

Sorry, these last few days have been stressful…

Pitbull

Ah, you just gotta remember! This tournament is about having a good time! Don’t let it-

*BAM!*
Solid Snake

HRGH!

*Quote appears out of nowhere, arms spread, towards Snake, and slams into him sending them both to the floor. They flip the table over in the process. Spaghetti flies everywhere.*
Pitbull

Woah!

Hakuko

Aiyaaaaa!!!

Elmo

Ahhh!

Don-chan

Kyaaaa!!

Jack Black

Fuck!

Hakuko

Quote! What in the world are you doing?!?!?

*Snake picks up Quote by the collar.*
Solid Snake

What the hell is your problem, kid!?

Adam Levine

Hey, what the hell?

Mariya Takeuchi

Is everybody okay over there?

DJ Professor K

I don’t understand what’s goin’ on here!

King Dedede

WHO’S DISTURBING MAH GLORIOUS DINNER?!?!?

Papyrus

THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE!!!!! IT’S SPAGHETTI HEAVEN!!!!!

Quote

… [This did not go as planned.]

Meowth

Everybody calm down, calm down! What happened here?

Solid Snake

Somebody here is trying to start a fight…

Jack Frost

Did somebody hee-say FOOD FIGHT-HO?!

*Jack Frost takes his entire plate of spaghetti and chucks it at Dedede.*
King Dedede

WHA- HEY! YOU HAVE INSULTED DA KING!

*Dedede throws his spaghetti at Jack.*
Wario

FOOOOOOD FIIIIIIGHT! WEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!

*The cafeteria erupts into chaos. Spaghetti and tiny body parts fly everywhere. People run for their lives.*
Meowth

No! NOO! STOP! STOP!

Hakuko

Don-chan, put that down!!!!

Shades DuPris

What the actual fuck?

Bill Trinen

No! My food!

Unregistered HyperCam 2

pew pew pwep epwe pew pew pwe pew!!!!11!!!

Dr. Robotnik

You will PAY for that!

Johnny Bravo

Oh, mama!

Dr. Piccolo

…I’m eating later.

Mr. Krabs

Stop this nonsense before I clobber ya silly!

Nico Nico

♂ SLAVES GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE! ♂

Jack Black

Elmo, no! STOP!

Elmo

ELMO DOES NOT STOP TODAY, MR. BLACK! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Papyrus

*covered in spaghetti* COULD THIS GET ANY BETTER?!?!?!??!

HOBaRT

OI YOU CUNTS!!!!!

*Everybody freezes at the unusually loud Australian voice.*
HOBaRT

I ain’t gonna have you fuckers causing all that nonsense in my cafeteria! Get the bloody hell out, all of ya’s! The cafeteria is CLOSED for the rest of today until this bloody mess you pooftahs have made gets cleaned up! Understand!?

*Silence.*
Adam Levine

Is that the fucking mixer?

HOBaRT

GET OOOUUUTTTT!!!!!

*Everybody rushes out of the cafeteria.*
HOBaRT

You gave me a voice at the perfect time there, mate. What was it that did it for ya?

MissingNo.

I… uh… don’t know…

HOBaRT

Well, good thing we got it stopped before they all killed each othah’. Good lord, it’s a mess in here. Call up that Doki Doki duo and have ‘em get to work on this, will ya mate? It’s really too bad we only served ya new spooky dish today.

MissingNo.

Sorry about that… but uhh… do you maybe… think you could call the janitors instead? I’m not on good terms with one of them…

HOBaRT

Oh? Not a problem. Best you be off for today then, mate. But ah, stay an’ let me make my call first so that I’m not wrrrrrrrin’ into the phone now, would ya?