How to Cheer Up A Loser


*The studio in the middle of the night.*
Hakuko

Don-chan?

*Silence.*
Hakuko

Don-chan, come out… I know you’re somewhere around here.

*She hears quiet sobbing backstage. She sees Don-chan in a corner, lying down.*
Hakuko

Don-chan…

Don-chan

*sniff* Hakuko-san… I’m *sniff* sorry… da-don…

Hakuko

C’mon, Don-chan. Everything’s alright.

*Hakuko sits in a chair. Don-chan rolls over to the chair, jumps on her lap and continues sobbing quietly. Hakuko starts singing in the tune of a lullaby.*
Hakuko

You and I’ve been through a lot together
That’s just the way the story goes
Even though your heart breaks
And you’re down on your knees
Anyway you’ll laugh again someday

Hakuko

You know this song, don’t you, Don-chan? You drummed to it during our training, remember?

*Don-chan opens his eyes, sniffs, and continues.*
Don-chan

And if you’re down, you’ll *sniff* get up again (da-don)
Dust off a bit, go along your way
But don’t you know you *sniff* might find before too long
You’re on your knees once again, do-don, ga-d-

???

Who’s singing this imbecilic song? I can’t hear myself think with all the noise you’re making!

*The Rhythm Masters stop, in light shock. Then Hakuko speaks up angrily.*
Hakuko

Hey! Come out whoever you are, we’re not even singing that loud!

???

But I can hear this stupid song, and it’s all that matters!

*The backstage door slams open, and Robotnik marches in.*
Dr. Robotnik

Oh! It’s that stubborn songstress and her drumbbell little friend who kicked me out of this glorified scam of a tournament. What are you doing here, you miserable brats?

Hakuko

I’m here because I was looking for my friend Don-chan! He needs a little comfort after our recent defeat!

Dr. Robotnik

Can’t the naive nitwit handle a demotion? How spineless of him! I was believing you fools were over the close defeat you had the first round, how come he cannot fathom another one?

Hakuko

How dare you! He’s just a child, and we lost the tournament! Who wouldn’t be at least a bit sad at that?

Dr. Robotnik

You DARE say that to me, moi YOU imbeciles have eliminated a few days ago? At least I have taken the loss proudly, and here you are almost close to tears, despite the fact so many other foolish twerps in this place suffered the same fate as you!

Hakuko

Oh, did you really own up to your loss? I bet you whined and complained about it, you stupid buffoon!

Dr. Robotnik

STUPID BUFFOON? You fish-fondling fruitcake! I-

???

Hey, promotion guy. I’d tone it down a bit if I were you. s’ not very healthy to be that angry, ya know!

Dr. Robotnik

*turns around* WHO DARES-

*Jack Black appears.*
Don-chan

Mi-mi-mister Jack-

Dr. Robotnik

BLACK? What are you snooping around here for, you pesky hillbilly?

Jack Black

Oh, I’m just taking some time off after talking to Elmo before nighttime. But I can’t hear myself think with all the noise you’re making!

Dr. Robotnik

HEY! That’s MY problem! Why are you stealing MY line? Still obsessed with repetition?

Jack Black

Oh, I dunno, maybe because I have the same problem now with you screaming like that? Are you so frustrated you lost? I lost too, ya know.

Dr. Robotnik

*in a fit of rage* WHY IS EVERY RRRRROTTEN IDIOT HERE SAYING I AM ANGRY I LOST? HOW CAN THE GRRRRREAT RRRRROBOTNIK BE SO UPSET AT A SILLY THING LIKE THIS?

Don-chan

Owie… don… *sniff*

Jack Black

Then what’s your problem, dude?

Dr. Robotnik

WELL… I… I have problems with… with my MACHINES! Those miserable micro-brained numbbots back at my base have broken countless ones in my absence!

Jack Black

Ohhhh, I see. That’s unfortunate, but who created these “numbbots” that broke your machines to begin with?

Dr. Robotnik

WHY YOU… YOU… FOOLISH… PRICKLY… ARROGANT… QUACK!

Hakuko

Please, both of you-

Jack Black

I’m just sayin’, if you made a mess because of your own poor building skills, it’ll be up to you to repair that mess. Watch me, I got so obsessed with the tournament that I did something absolutely stupid. You gotta own up to your shortcomings, dude, or else you’ll never get your promotion!

Dr. Robotnik

NO WAY! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! It seems you rapscallions have conspired to make me feel unfairly guilty about my wonderful self! Fine, I’ll go elsewhere, if no one wants me in this worthless studio!

Don-chan

Ro… Robotnik, wait!

Dr. Robotnik

Oh, I don’t need any more insults from you miserable runt! I’M OUTTA HERE!

Don-chan

ROBOTNIK! You were amazing… don…

*Robotnik is already out, furious. Don-chan starts sobbing once more.*
Hakuko

Oh, Don-chan…

Jack Black

Don’t worry, kid, I’m sure he heard ya. He just needs to vent!

Hakuko

But he screamed at Don-chan! That’s not okay!

Jack Black

Oh, this is embarrassing… Okay, don’t worry, he’ll get better in a few hours.

Hakuko

*sigh*

*A silence.*
Jack Black

You know… I wanted to thank you for not getting mad at us for sending you into losers’ with such a close margin. You were so nice when you taught Elmo about rhythm and all that.

Hakuko

Oh… We were sad, but that wasn’t because of you. You did great!

Jack Black

Heh, thanks. But it’s cruel that you got eliminated with such a close margin twice now. History is doomed to repeat itself… can’t help but feel a little bad for you two.

Hakuko

At least now we’re better suited to handle elimination now… I prefer to lose with a high score than to be completely crushed. I hope this Robotnik guy will understand too, he fought great against us! An OK is not a Superb, but it’s not a Try Again either…

Jack Black

Well, it’s sort of a “try again”, we lost after all… But there’s no going back. This time, it’s over.

*Jack sits down on a box.*
Hakuko

Mr. Black, you know, I really enjoyed watching your fight with Mariya!

Jack Black

Thanks! Oh, and by the way, I’m Jack.

Hakuko

Oh, okay Jack. If I’m not indiscreet… what is that stupid thing you did?

Jack Black

*sigh* If that’s okay with you, I’d like to keep it personal. But what I’m sure of now is that it was pretty stupid. I got too greedy, let a lot of people down. I thought I had a really good shot at the Crown of Destiny, but I ultimately overestimated a lot of people. I just had to remember that my victory over you was the closest of the tournament. But, I didn’t. I got lost in my pride instead.

Hakuko

The “Crown of Destiny”? What is that?

Jack Black

Oh, it’s just the crown. I made up that name for it, mostly to motivate Elmo… but also to motivate me. Wait, hold on, this box I’m sitting on isn’t very solid…

Don-chan

S… Solid, don… Huh? Stop!

Hakuko

D-Don-chan?

Jack Black

Huh? Sorry, Don-chan, but I don’t have my stop sign right no-

Don-chan

Mr. Jack… *sniff* Yes, please stand up, don…

Jack Black

Huh?

*Jack Black stands up. Don-chan jumps from Hakuko’s lap and, slowly and fearfully, approaches the box Jack was sitting on. Hakuko and Jack look at the box, perplexed. Don-chan arrives next to the box.*
Hakuko

Don-chan…?

Jack Black

Wh… What’s going on?

*A few tears roll down Don’s face.*
Don-chan

I… I’m sorry… don… sniff

*The box shakes a bit. Then, it lifts.*
Solid Snake

… UHHHHHHHHH… NO… I’M SORRY…

Jack Black

What the heck! Snake!? Were you spying on us this whole time? Why the-

Hakuko

Jack, please, let me handle this…

*Hakuko walks towards Snake and picks up Don-chan.*
Hakuko

Snake… Let me tell you that I… I’m sorry for getting mad at you the other day. There are things that I… Shouldn’t have said. I… I should have realized why you… um… I – I was overwhelmed, with just having beat you, and…

Solid Snake

…UH… YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT. I… I’M SORRY. I WAS… OVERWHELMED TOO.

Don-chan

You’re a great person, Mr. Snake, da-don!

Solid Snake

… HHHHHRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG… THANK YOU… I THINK I WILL GO NOW.

Hakuko

Oh! Um… Okay… Goodbye…?

Don-chan

Goodbye, Mr. Snake, da-don!

Jack Black

… Uh, bye! Take care!

Solid Snake

UHHHH… YES. GOODBYE.

Hakuko

*Jack and the Rhythm Masters leave the backstage room. Snake sneakily follows them and watches them leave the studio. He then sits by the window and sees them go towards the hotel. He hears the lullaby again.*
Hakuko

Let’s spread our wings now
Do anything now
Somehow we came this far
I’ve got a choice now
I hear your voice now
Singing inside my heart

Don-chan

(Do-don ga-don, C’mon!)

*A black blur of pixels fills the studio.*

Let’s spread our wings now
Into the sky now
Let’s reach up to the sun
Soon we will see we’re
Living the dreams of
Our generation!


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