McDonald’s is the Place to Rip

???

Hi, what can I get for you today?

Metal Ajit Pai

Hello! I would like one supersized Reese’s Cup McFlurry.

???

I’m sorry sir, we don’t sell Reese’s McFlurries.

Metal Ajit Pai

What? But I bought one here last week!

???

I’m sorry but it’s not something we serve.

Metal Ajit Pai

This is nutrageous! Get me your manager!

???

Yes sir.

*Moments later, an explosion can be heard.*
???

ice cream machine broke

Metal Ajit Pai

Understandable, have a good day.


Thomas Bangalter

Burger, nuggets, nuggets, burger…

Guy‑Manuel de Homem‑Christo

C’est pas vrai, tu ne vas pas me dire que ton casque est encore bloqué !

Thomas Bangalter

Non, c’est juste que je ne sais pas quoi prendre ! Burger, nuggets, nuggets, burger…


*Mr. Krabs is busy talking on his shellphone.*
Mr. Krabs

Ahoy, Mr. Squidward! I’ve got a brand new idea that’s gonna reel in some serious wampum! These land-lubber burger joints seem ta be sellin’ plant burgers, and they’re bringin’ in profits like nobody’s business! New assignment for ya: find all the seaweed ya can find, and start makin’ patties outta it! We’ll call it, “The Impossible Patty”!

Mr. Krabs

Where are ye gonna get the seaweed from? I think there’s a few patches of it in the back near the dumpster. Just give it ta SpongeBob, he’ll be able ta figure it out.

Mr. Krabs

Unsanitary? Mr. Squidward, I worked on the S.S. Diarrhea, ya can’t tell me takin’ a bit of plants from outside isn’t safe. Make sure SpongeBob rinses it off before he uses it if yer so afraid of a few gerrrms.

Mr. Krabs

No buts! When I get back from this here tournament, I wanna see the green from that green! So long, Mr. Squidward!

*Click.*
Solid Snake

Otacon, do you read me?

Otacon

Hey Snake, what’s up?

Solid Snake

Hrnnngh… Burger.

Otacon

What?

Solid Snake

Big burger, Otacon. And a mouth-watering Egg McMuffin sandwich from the new all-day breakfast menu.

Otacon

Solid Snake

And Otacon. Always remember.

Otacon

… Remember what?

Solid Snake

I’m lovin’ it.


Reimu Fumo

so, you come here often?

Geno

Not particularly, no.

Reimu Fumo

yeah, me neither. i’m not a huge fan of the tea they serve but i love their burgers.

Geno

If you’re interested in a place with acceptable tea, could we not have gone somewhere else?

Reimu Fumo

do you know how much work it is to get around when you don’t have any articulation? gotta go to the closest places possible if you want to actually get anywhere. god i envy your ball joints.

Geno

Milady, watch your language. Such talk is improper for a young woman such as yourself.

Reimu Fumo

what? all i said was “ball joints”.

Geno

No, you said “God”.

Reimu Fumo

ugh, whatever. this is the worst date i’ve ever been on. no wonder everyone in touhou is a lesbian. well, at least these burgers are okay.

Geno

Hmm… well, I know you like these hamburgers, but are you really sure you need ten of them?

Reimu Fumo

hey, i’m not the one who paid. and they say chivalry is dead…


Reggie Fils-Aimé

Bill, do you really have to have doughnuts at every meal?

Bill Trinen

Hey, these Donut Sticks are really good! Do you want one? I’ll share.

Reggie Fils-Aimé

No thanks, I feel like a purple Pikmin just looking at them.

*Reggie notices something over by the Play Place.*
Reggie Fils-Aimé

I’ll be right back.


DAMMIT! I can’t believe they forgot the onions in my burger again!

Wario

Aww, what a pity! This is fast food, don’t complain about it, weirdo!

Waluigi

He’s right, Wario. Forgetting onions in a burger is terrible! How can this McDonald’s thing be Number 1 instead of Waluigi’s amazing Tacostand?

Wario

Well, I guess if they keep doin’ rookie mistakes like these in here, we’re-a-gonna win in your business game in no time! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Waluigi

WEHEHEHEHEHEHE!

*sigh* … At least I’m not trapped in the drive-thru.


Mothman

Me win again.

Jack Frost

That’s like your seventh win in a row! Hee-how do you keep winning?

Mothman

Snowman friend might win more if he learned large brain stuff like wavedash and did not just press the red button many times.

Jack Frost

Says the demon who can’t even remember hee-s own name, ho! It’s these ancient controllers that’re keeping m-hee back, ho!

Reggie Fils-Aimé

Hey kids. Is that Super Smash Bros. Melee for the Nintendo GameCube that you’re playing?

Jack Frost

Ind-hee-d it is, ho!

Reggie Fils-Aimé

Well, you might not be able to guess, but I’m actually a world-famous Smash Bros. player myself!

Jack Frost

Good, mayb-hee you can beat this cheater, ho!

Mothman

Me not cheat. Me honest.

Jack Frost

Yeah right! Regg-hee, smash the hee-ho outta him!

Reggie Fils-Aimé

Alrighty. Prepare to get your ass kicked, Butterfree!

*One Melee Later…*
Mothman

Human is worst Smash player me has seen.

Reggie Fils-Aimé

I said I was world-famous, I didn’t say I was good. I think I need to go find some hand sanitizer now though…

Mothman

Me think me have some.

*Mothman shakes his body until a wall dispenser of hand sanitizer falls onto the floor.*
Mothman

Me took it when me went to doctor.

Jack Frost

Budd-hee, you’re supposed to take a pump of it, not the whole thing… You don’t even have an-hee hands, ho.

Mothman

Me like the taste. Good on French fry.

Jack Frost

Uhh… H-how much san-hee-tizer have you been eating, ho…

Mothman

All of it.

Jack Frost

Hee-ho no…

*Mothman collapses.*
Phoenix Wright

I’d like to order a pepper burger for takeaway, please.

Monokuma

Ooooooh! I didn’t knew you were into spicy things!

Phoenix Wright

Well, it’s for Maya. I promised her I’d bring her burgers to-

Monokuma

WHAT? THEY DON’T SELL SALMON HERE? THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! I’M OUT!

Phoenix Wright

(…come on…)


Jack Black

Elmo, come down! Your Happy Meal is getting cold!

Elmo

Elmo doesn’t know how to get down, Jack!

Jack Black

Well how did you get up there in the first place?

Elmo

Elmo used the stairs! … Elmo doesn’t know if they really are stairs…

Jack Black

Well, just use those “stairs” to come back down!

Elmo

Elmo doesn’t know where the “stairs” are!

Jack Black

What about the slide?

Elmo

Elmo doesn’t know where the slide is either!

Jack Black

Okay, Elmo, it looks like I’m just going to have to get you down myself.

Don-chan

Hakuko-san, Elmo-chan is trapped! I’m gonna go rescue him, da-don!

Hakuko

Don-chan, wait!

Jack Black

Wait a minute!

*Don-chan rolls up the slide.*
Elmo

Oh hello Mr. Drum!

Don-chan

Don’t worry little oni, I’m here to get you da-down, da-don!

*Don-chan freezes up.*
Hakuko

Don-chan, what’s wrong?

Don-chan

… I don’t know how to get down either, don…

Jack Black

Oh, gimme a break! *sigh* … Hakuko, do you know how much a taiko drum weighs?

Hakuko

Hehe, if I can carry him anywhere, I’m sure you can too!


Papyrus

HELLO, HUMAN! DO YOU SELL SPAGHETTI IN THIS PLACE?

Eminem

Dude, where the fuck have you been? McDee hasn’t offered McSpaghetti in ages!

Papyrus

WHAT A BUMMER. AT LEAST I CAN STILL MAKE SPAGHETTI MYSELF AT HOME!

Eminem

Better not regret it. Those could make you vomit on your sweater already. Like Mom’s-


Bluster Kong

*decisive groans*

Diddy Kong

C’mon, Bluster, we’re already eatin’ over there!

Bluster Kong

*LOUDER DECISIVE GROANS*

Diddy Kong

… Oh, okay, fine. Keep choosin’!

Cranky Kong

Eeeeeyuck! Those Banana Milkshakes taste absolutely horrible! How can anyone eat this garbage?

Donkey Kong

Hey Cranky, not everyone is lucky enough to live on Kongo Bongo Island! Give these city guys a break!

Cranky Kong

If I was manager, I’d tell my suppliers where to find good bananas around. These ones taste too dull!

Donkey Kong

Well, Cranky, this ain’t a banana place, it’s a burger place!

Diddy Kong

Ol’ Cranky has a point, though. This Banana Choc Muffin tastes weird…

Donkey Kong

Well, how ‘bout this instead?

*DK puts some banana bunches on the table.*
Donkey Kong

Bananaaaaaaa Slamma!

Diddy Kong

Whoa, DK, where did you get those?

Donkey Kong

I brought some from my room in case you didn’t like the food here. C’mon, help yourselv-

*A small monkey suddenly jumps on the table and steals the bananas.*
Diddy Kong

What the- another monkey?

Donkey Kong

HUH! HEY, GET BACK HERE YOU TRICKSTER!

*DK runs after the little monkey. But he trips and falls in front of another table.*
Donkey Kong

Huuuuuh…

Jack Black

Oh man! Hey, DK, you alright?

Donkey Kong

Ouch… Hey, where did that monkey go? He stole my banana bunches!

Elmo

Hey, hey! The monkey is under Elmo’s chair!

Hakuko

Oh no… Sorry, that might be me. Hey, buddy, come out.

*The little monkey crawls from under the table with the banana bunches. He looks down in shame.*
Hakuko

I already told you not to steal food! I know you like bananas, but you need to ask if you want some!

Don-chan

Hehehe, maybe your monkey wants you to be friends with the other monkey, da-don!

Donkey Kong

I’m not a monkey, I’m an ape! But the lady’s right, these are my bananas. Please, give ‘em back to us!

*Hakuko’s monkey looks at DK with big teary eyes.*
Donkey Kong

… Huh. Okay, you can have one. But if you want more, you can come to our table and ask!

Cranky Kong

*sigh* My boy ain’t very good with negotiations…

*Bluster Kong’s decisive groans can still be heard in the background.*
Howard

[AGENT J. HAVE YOU TRIED THE NEW SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICH FROM MCDONALDS?]

Agent J

Can’t say I have.

Howard

[ORDER ONE. YOU WON’T REGRET IT.]

Agent J

aight.

Agent J

Hey g, would you make me a sandwich?

???

n o


???

Donald, someone is here who wants to see you.

Donald McDonald

もしもし?

Nico Nico

ドナルドのウワサ!!!

Donald McDonald

アラアアアア!

*Donald falls backwards in his chair. He gets up and runs over to Terebi-chan.*
Donald McDonald

ランランルーーーーーー!!!

*Terebi-chan’s arms burst out of her sides.*
Nico Nico

ランランルーーーーーー!!!

Donald McDonald

ランランルーーーーーー!!!

Nico Nico

ランランルーーーーーー!!!

Donald McDonald

ランランルーーーーーー!!!

Nico Nico

♂ ASS ♂ WE ♂ CAN ♂